Mens Jeans: An Easy Style Guide 87

1. You DON'T want a pair of jeans that taper. This means you don’t want a pair of jeans that get narrow as they go down your leg, ending with a tight ring around your ankle. I don’t know what kind of designer thinks this looks good – but it don’t.
2. You DON'T want anything that's been acid washed, or makes one start reminiscing about Guns’N’Roses videos. Acid washed jeans are like leisure suits – they will never come back into style. Don’t let me catch you in these, cos it will be the first thing I mention!
3. You DON'T want anything with ripped out knees, holes or long threads hanging out anywhere. Yes, this was cool in the 90’s. I had some jeans like this myself. They aren’t cool anymore, so just detox yourself and hide those suckers in the back of your closet.
4. You DON'T want any designer pockets on your derriere. Not if you want to pick a woman up. I can’t imagine any female finding that attractive – but even if she does, she’s not going to want your designer pockets to outshinehers, so just put those fly pockets down and step away, son.
5. You DO want a pair of jeans that fit your hips. And I do mean fit. We don’t want anything tight. We don’t even want to suggest tight, ok? You walk by me in tight jeans and I will suggest you wash them in cold water next time. You should be able to slip a couple of fingers between your body and the waist, but you don’t want them so loose you can potty without unzipping them!
6. You DO want natural jeans colors. Dark blue, medium blue, light blue. Stay away from white, black, tan – or anything you might expect to find in Rainbow Bright’s wardrobe. Let me catch you in a pair of red jeans...!
7. You DO want jeans that at least reach the top part of your shoe sole (heel, if you're wearing boots) A man whose jeans hem barely touches his shoelaces looks challenged – in a multitude of ways. Don’t ask a girl out if you look like you’re expecting a flood.